Digging for Purpose

Last week was rough.

I spent half the time putting my "rough week" in perspective of other people having actually rough weeks. The other half of the time was spent in a pity party filled with doubts and fears and stress that had a way of snowballing. I couldn't shake the ugh feeling. 100% of the ugh was attributed to my job. I don't feel like my current job plays to my skill set and am not sure which direction to go in next. (Anyone with me here?)

What job can I pursue that will make me excited, feel like I am rocking and rolling, and making a difference? My next job will most likely be what I'm doing when we start a family and buy a house and for that reason alone, it feels like a heavy decision. I find myself often envious of F and how linear his options are. Feeling overwhelmed, I talked to him. It's a little humbling to share this next part, but I promised to be brave, so here goes.

We talked about how I don't believe in myself enough. I'm not willing to step up in confidence of my skill set and say, "Hey, look at me. I can absolutely do this and do this exceptionally well." I'm so afraid of failing or getting in too deep to something where I feel lost and overwhelmed that I sit back, waiting for what's next. It was hard to hear. But, it was truth. I left the conversation feeling like I could conquer the world, or at least the Spring Cleaning that we had at church that evening. I put on a glitter headband to make up for my curmudgeonly mood and we headed downtown.

When we got there, the lead of our volunteer cleaning group said, "I need someone who loves to organize. Someone who rocks at Tetris and gets nominated to pack the car for a roadtrip. I'm looking for that person who gets pumped about things being in order."

Friends, I thought the sky had parted. It was an "ah ha" moment. He was describing me and I couldn't wait to see what role he had carved out that sounded like such a perfect fit.

I boldly raised my hand.

I waited.

He said, "Okay, great. I'm going to need you to get in the dumpster."

Ummm.

Pardon me?

He explained how I would spend the next couple of hours in the dumpster, maximizing use of the space, so we didn't pay for extra dumpsters that we didn't really need.

So, I did. I jumped into that dumpster with my sparkle headband and proceeded to Tetris-ize all of the boxes and old stereos and other miscellaneous items that people handed over to me. My friend Kelsi was in the dirty trenches with me and do you want to know what? I had a blast. Kelsi and I organized and chatted and at the end of the night, I felt like I'd done something that mattered. I may not have solved world peace but that dumpster had room to spare.

The irony isn't lost on me that in my bold moment of stepping forward, it landed me in the garbage. That's how life works sometimes. You get involved with something or someone, expecting fulfillment and butterflies, and in actuality, it's garbage, but that shouldn't keep us from boldly stepping up, and being fearless, unafraid to fail.

So, cheers to being bold and brave and believing in yourself, because even in rubbish, there is joy.